I Have Emerged from the Depths of Depression

號角月報加拿大版 二零二五年五月

In my first few years in Canada, I faced the challenges of environmental changes and adaptation, much like many new immigrants. By nature, I am a sensitive and introverted individual, with interests and hobbies that differed from those around me. As a child, I often withdrew into my own mental world, curling up in corners and isolating myself. My schooling years were marked by upheavals like changing schools and moving homes. On top of these disruptions, I also had to cope with family financial pressures, environmental adjustments, and academic demands. These ongoing challenges left me with a persistent sense of insecurity and a lack of accomplishment, gradually destabilizing my mindset.

My extreme lack of confidence led me to fixate obsessively on my physical health, my interests and hobbies, and my self-defined "ideals." Unfortunately, being lost and unfulfilled pushed me closer to the brink of collapse.

Initially, I experienced overwhelming anxiety and incessant overthinking. I constantly doubted whether there was something wrong with my body or whether my efforts were yielding any results. Eventually, I developed severe insomnia, going three entire days and nights without sleep. This culminated in a mental breakdown, forcing my father to take me to the hospital. During my hospitalization, the doctor prescribed medication that finally allowed me to sleep and provided my body with a chance to recover. However, I later discovered that the medication I was taking was intended for the early stages of schizophrenia.

The doctor determined that my condition was not severe enough to require long-term hospitalization. After six days, I was discharged and referred to the psychiatric department at West District Hospital for continued treatment. Throughout my illness, I experienced extreme lows; at my worst, I nearly lost the ability to function. Each day, I would lie on my bedroom floor, motionless, watching the sun rise and set, and completely avoiding all social interactions. Even when my parents brought me to gatherings, my heightened anxiety and fear prevented me from feeling calm in the crowd. In the end, I would always return home in defeat.

Those were incredibly challenging times—I was constantly tormented by irrational suspicions. For instance, every time I developed acne due to internal heat, I deluded myself into thinking I had an incurable disease. Additionally, the schizophrenia medication caused my nerves and reactions to become severely sluggish, resulting in slurred speech. As someone who had always loved music and singing, I was devastated to find myself unable to sing freely and naturally to the rhythm as I once did. It felt as though I had lost one of the few remaining joys and emotional anchors in my life, plunging me further into despair.

During the early stages of my treatment, my initial doctor failed to address my concerns and merely dismissed my delusions as a symptom of my illness. They reassured me that my speech was not as poor as I perceived it to be, but this lack of deeper engagement shattered the hope I had for recovery through weekly visits. Instead, it left me feeling as though I was descending into a profound abyss of despair.

Amid the torment of my relapses, my parents devoted more time to turning to God, praying fervently to the Heavenly Father for my healing. Perhaps it was at this moment that they came to understand that while some things may be impossible for man, with God, all things are possible. Later, I requested the hospital assign me a different doctor. After extensive communication, the new doctor agreed to adjust my medication and patiently addressed my questions. Over time, I experienced significant improvement in my speech fluency and voice.

I was fortunate to start seeing a compassionate and patient therapist who listened attentively to many of my unreasonable thoughts. They gradually guided me toward a more positive perspective on problems and enriched me with a wealth of mental health knowledge. I later discovered that my therapist was a Christian, which led me to understand that all things work together for good for those who love God.

During my illness, though I avoided contact or interaction with the outside world, this time provided an unexpected opportunity to pursue the things I loved, including music and learning Japanese culture. At home, I started practicing musical instruments, singing, and using the internet to improve my Japanese language skills. My father, recognizing my passion, offered immense support, even finding a vocal coach to guide me. The sense of accomplishment I felt when mastering a Japanese word or successfully using software to edit music brought a renewed sense of purpose. Reflecting on that period, I now see how God, in His own way, steadily healed and provided for me.

Even when I felt broken, abandoned, and unwilling to engage with others, my Heavenly Father used my circumstances and the people around me to comfort me. With this support, I was able to pursue my passions and eventually make significant progress.

The experiences I accumulated and the efforts I made shaped the person I am today. These journeys not only equipped me with skills for my career but also enabled me to serve meaningfully in the church. “But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” (Job 23:10) I am deeply grateful to the Lord for granting me these seemingly painful experiences and using them for His purpose.

Today, I confidently stand on stage to lead worship, praise the Lord with others, and participate in singing competitions. At work, I engage openly with more people. Because of my personal struggles, I have developed greater compassion and become less inclined to hold onto others' faults.

The pastors, brothers, and sisters at church have been an immense source of help and blessings. Their comfort and encouragement became catalysts for my recovery. Even when I was deeply mired in despair, I knew that the love of my Heavenly Father never forsook me. Jesus redeemed me with His precious blood, and the Holy Spirit continues to assist me. I believe these trials reflect God’s beautiful plan for my growth, filling me with hope and nurturing a gentler, more forgiving heart.

Timothy Wang